These are the lies you tell, to avoid needing to change

When you listen to people for a living, it will not be long before you’ll see that the EXACT. SAME. LIES. penetrate everyone’s process of trying to change.

These are the lies you tell, to avoid needing to change

The lie: Because of who I have been, I can’t change

It sounds like: “I just don’t see how it’s possible for me to _____;” or “That’s [the old behavior/way of being] just the way that I am,” or “But I’ve always been this way [the old behavior that isn’t working].”

When someone says that they want to change, but then they argue against taking action, it doesn’t leave much room for anything to change, does it? Telling yourself the lie that something inherent about you will prevent you from changing, becomes a handy excuse not to change.

You get to choose. Personally, I have committed to living a life where no matter what comes my way, I’m going to reframe the Story int he direction of what I want.

The lie: I really don’t need to change the behavior that I’ve already identified as needing to change.

It sounds like: “It wasn’t so bad, the way it was,” “But it would be SO much work,” “Maybe I could pivot to this other thing that’s kind of related to what I wanted to change but not as intense for me to face.”

This is often the “U-turn,” the moment of getting too intimidated by what needs to change, and backing down from changing.

The lie: Everyone else is doing it, so why not me?

It sounds like: “Well, everyone has credit card debt, so why should I bother paying mine off?” “Everyone has a bit too much to eat/drink/etc sometimes—why not loosen up and party?” or “Well, I might have an issue with [credit card debt, too much drinking] but it’s not as bad as SO-AND-SO over there, so I must not be that bad!”

When you’re trying to change something, bringing in “Everyone” to justify behavior…keeps that change from happening. “Everyone” is not you. You are responsible for your own personal integrity. If you feel like shit because you know you’re out of integrity in your life, continuing to do what everyone else does won’t make you feel any better.

The lie: If I’m going to start doing this, I want it to be done right, so until I know it can be done right/the circumstances are right, I won’t start.

It sounds like: “It’s not the right time,” “I’ll wait until Monday,” “Next year would be better,” “I’m trying to figure out ________ and until I figure out ________ there’s no point in starting.”

We avoid needing to change with the lie that we can’t do it until circumstances are perfectly ideal. That’s a load of bull. Hardly anyone has ever done anything under perfect circumstances…if it can even be said that that’s ever been done, at all. If you need to change or want to change, the only thing that happens when you tell this lie is you waste minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.

The lie: It’s harder for me than it is for someone else, which is why I can’t do it.

It sounds like: “Well, so and so has more advantages, so that’s why they succeeded,” “Without XYZ, it’s just not possible.”

The tricky thing about this one is that it really is true that when you have more advantages, privilege, or resources, it’s easier for someone to accomplish something—but that doesn’t mean that because it’s harder for you than someone else, that you should not even bother trying.

Additionally, there are a great many people who have lots of advantages, privilege, or resources, who cite the ordinary, everyday challenges of life as reasons why they can’t do something. Example: “I can’t start eating more healthfully because I just don’t have time to sit down and figure out recipes,” said by the person who actually does have the time, money, etc., to eat more healthfully.

The lie: Discomfort is a sign from the Universe.

It sounds like: Right after having made strides in a positive direction, or at the first sign of difficulty: “I don’t know that this is such a good idea,” or “I shouldn’t have to go to so much work for this person/this dream.”

Whatever you do in this life that really matters will involve some level of discomfort. It will not all be flow. Period. End of story. 

Liberation

Once you’re clear on your patterns and what you want to change, the process of change has begun. That’s the good news.

The bad news–or more accurately, the challenging news–is that if you want to find liberation from habitual patterns that aren’t serving you, you’ve got to be steadfast in not believing the lies.

The big challenge is that those lies have been circulating for so many years that they feel like the truth. Even seeing them as the lies they are once, if you don’t pay attention, they’ll show up in your life again.

For the big core issues, you’ve literally got to question everything–every conception of “truth” that you ever adopted. You’ve got to hold it up to the light, examine it from different angles, and ask yourself (very important!) how that “truth” feels in your body (never discount the somatic response; the body does not lie).

In fact, it might even be a good practice to decide that nothing is your “truth” until it has been examined and considered to see what feels real.

There are very “good” reasons why we do what we do–even when those patterns are destructive. The alcoholic has a million excellent reasons for why they need that drink. The mother who hits her children–yes, as terrible as this may sound–has an entire belief system at work that truly thinks that hitting her children is the thing she MUST do in that moment.

Is it “right”? No. I’m saying that we all have our reasons and we all believe certain lies in certain moments that cause us to act the way that we do. We are not different from one another in that way. No one is immune from that, and as long as the lies are at work–it’s just about impossible to change.

But once you are committed to seeing the lies that you tell to avoid needing to change, you can orient your entire life towards the truth. That’s where things shift.